Before we begin…The Disclaimer….The information in this newsletter is purely for information purposes only and in no way is to be used as medical advice. I am not, nor am I holding myself out to be a medical professional in any way. This newsletter is purely from my own experience as a patient and a sufferer of chemotherapy induced neuropathy and chronic pain. Always seek advice from a qualified medical professional and do not delay in getting your symptoms checked by a qualified medical professional.
Dear All
I am sorry for the hiatus in my writing. My husband is leaving and the end of a relationship is never easy even with the best of intentions. When a marriage ends, so do many other relationships. Some you expect, some you don’t. Having said that, maybe this cloud has a silver lining. Regardless of my personal life, perhaps this is a good springboard to talk in general about the theme of chronic illness and relationships. Has your illness prompted you to leave a friend or partner behind? Or have you experienced a partner or friend leaving you in the midst of illness? You are not alone. Spouses being left when they are chronically ill have been studied and the numbers are in:
And the link between health and relationships is not exclusive to couples but also to what Jennifer Senior writing in The Atlantic calls “problem friends”. She cites a study where it was found that spending time with a problem friend is worse for you physiologically than spending time with someone you actively dislike.
It is possible to give too much in a relationship. Senior states, “Failures of reciprocity are a huge theme in broken friendships.” If you are the type of person who gives their all, perhaps that’s why this disease has you down but not out. Generosity of spirit is a powerful virtue but there has to be a limit if it is to maintain its power for good. Giving your all to family, to friends; living by one’s principles, these characteristics support and maintain our very identity. I think that’s why the end of a relationship is felt so keenly. For many, it is a betrayal of that spirit and ultimately it cuts into our sense of self.
I have met a number of medical specialists who say there is often a certain profile for people with chronic pain. High functioning, hyper alert people who unfortunately have their stress hormones at fever pitch most of the time. And yet, despite the hypervigilence, who saw the end of a relationship coming? Did you find yourself wondering with some heartbreak what happened? There is no satisfactory answer. Perhaps the other person just didn’t get what they needed or that your new circumstances demanded too much. Emotionally or financially, the difficult circumstances of a chronically ill person can be a drag on resources. If you have been left, perhaps it’s because there is simply nothing more to give or take. Such a loss invokes a review of the relationship as a whole. What did they get from being with you when you were healthy that they are not getting from you now that you are ill? Part of the answer could be this simple truth that Shakespeare expresses so eloquently:
In other words, if your circumstances change, those who love you, do not change their bond because of those circumstances. It is normal to reach out to those closest to you in bad times. It’s not your fault if they leave. Perhaps these partners or friends were always part of the problem to begin with. Chronic pain can be terribly isolating but so can an unhealthy relationship. Could it be a case of the Chicken and the Egg? Which one really came first? Chronically unhealthy relationship(s) or illness? Once you can’t participate in life the way that people expect or want you to (for them), sooner or later the cracks will appear. This disease will show you who you really are and importantly who should be in your life. Hanging on to a person who doesn’t love you only gets worse with time. The sooner you realise, the sooner you can act and cut short problems. The longer you leave it, the worse the end will be. That takes a lot of courage, I know, but if you leave it too long, life has a way of dragging you kicking and screaming to where you need to be.
Red flags arise in unhealthy relationships. Do not overlook or excuse them away. If you are constantly striving to please someone then that someone is not for you. Why should one person alone bear the burden of nourishing the positive aspects of the relationship? Have you also noticed failures of reciprocity ? Look at the amount of energy that goes into meeting the demands of others. Do these demands serve you as much as they serve those around you? What do you do? For many reasons you may not be able to break a relationship, but do think about how you manage your own interactions. Distancing yourself from those who sap you of energy or confidence may well be a life-saving gesture that puts you on the road to a better recovery. The person who makes demands (emotional, financial, familial etc) on you, may well not like the new you with healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self. You cannot control their reactions. You can control your own. Life has said, “Enough! Tend to thyself!” I know it takes courage but I believe it is worth it despite the challenges ahead. It is an awful thing to become solely reliant on others. Often illness curbs the ability to earn an income. However, as long as there’s breath in your body, there is hope for your future. Time and distance from these problem people might just give you a chance to think deeply about how you can create a new life and maybe even a new career based on your own dreams and desires. As Maya Angelou said, “There are rainbows in the clouds”…
I don’t have all the answers, that’s for sure, but follow me on a journey and perhaps we will figure out together how chronic illness can open your mind up to new possibilities. Ask yourself,
No one but you can do this and you can’t endlessly fill another’s cup if yours is not filled first. The new you will cherish old friends, welcome new ones and find opportunities that arise with a more well balanced life which may all in turn lead to better health.
And to those who left, disappointed in the new you….to those let us say, “Thank you. Now each of us knows just who we are and what we are made of. Thank you for the door now closed, for this new space in my life. A new door will open and Lord knows Better is coming.”
Each of us deserves a future that is as authentic as we are. God bless. I welcome your comments below.